Being asked to give a eulogy is one of the greatest honours — and one of the most frightening. You may be grieving deeply, unsure you can hold yourself together, and convinced you are not a good enough writer or speaker to do the person justice. You do not need to be either. A eulogy is not a performance or a test. It is an act of love, spoken aloud. The people listening do not want polish; they want the person — seen clearly and remembered honestly.

What a eulogy is

A eulogy is a short spoken tribute, usually given at a funeral or memorial service, that remembers a person and honours their life. It is different from an obituary: an obituary is written and factual, while a eulogy is spoken and personal — a portrait painted in memories, not a list of dates. There is no single right way to give one. Your voice, your relationship, and your honesty are exactly what make it right.

How to begin

The hardest part is the blank page, so do not try to write the eulogy yet. First, gather the raw material:

  • Sit quietly and write down every memory that comes, in no order — moments, phrases they always used, the way they laughed, small ordinary days.
  • Ask others who loved them: "What is the first thing you think of when you picture them?" You will collect stories you never knew.
  • Notice which memories keep returning. Those are usually the heart of the eulogy.

What to include

You cannot fit a whole life into a few minutes, and you should not try. Choose a few things that are true and specific:

  • Who they were to you — and to the people in the room.
  • One or two stories that show their character better than any adjective could. A single well-told moment is worth a paragraph of praise.
  • A detail that was unmistakably them — a habit, a saying, a kindness, a stubbornness.
  • What they gave — what they taught you, and what the world had because they were in it.
  • A closing — a final line that lets everyone say goodbye. It can be a memory, a thank-you, or something you wish you had said.

Finding a simple shape

A eulogy does not need a complicated structure. A simple arc works best:

  1. Open with a moment or a story — not "We are gathered here today," but something that puts the person in the room.
  2. Move through the shape of their life, or of your time with them — lightly, not exhaustively.
  3. Say what they meant — to you, to family, to their community.
  4. Close with a goodbye.

Write it the way you speak. Short sentences. Real words. If you would not say it to a friend, do not write it.

Getting the tone right

Warmth matters more than eloquence. It is not only allowed but welcome to include humour — the funny stories are often the truest ones, and laughter in grief is a gift. Be honest about who they were; a person remembered as flawless is a person no one recognises. A gentle, affectionate truth honours them far more than a perfect portrait.

How long should a eulogy be?

Most eulogies are three to five minutes long — roughly 500 to 750 words. When in doubt, err on the shorter side. A brief, heartfelt eulogy is remembered; a long one is endured. If several people are speaking, keep yours tighter still.

Delivering it on the day

Writing it is only half of it. To give it well:

  • Print it large and double-spaced, on paper rather than a phone. Number the pages in case they slip.
  • Read it aloud several times beforehand — it settles the words and calms the nerves.
  • Mark where to pause and breathe. Slower than feels natural is about right.
  • Keep water nearby, and arrange a backup reader — a friend or relative who can step in and finish if you cannot. Arranging this in advance frees you to try.
  • It is alright to cry. Pause. Breathe. The room is with you. No one is measuring your composure; they are grateful you are standing there at all.
  • Look up when you can. Even a glance at the faces who loved them turns a reading into a remembrance.

You will not say everything, and you do not have to. If the people listening leave with one clear, true picture of the person they loved — yes, that was them — you will have done exactly what a eulogy is for. That is more than enough.