Children grieve deeply and genuinely — but they express grief differently from adults, and they need different kinds of support. The most important thing any adult can offer a grieving child is honesty, stability, and the reassurance that their feelings are welcome.
Talking to children about death
Many adults, wanting to protect children from pain, reach for euphemisms: "passed away," "gone to sleep," "we lost them." While these are well-intentioned, they can confuse young children and create anxiety. A child told that grandpa "went to sleep" may become frightened of sleep. A child told that mum was "lost" may believe she might be found.
Clear, honest, age-appropriate language is kinder in the long run. "Grandma has died. That means her body stopped working, and she is not coming back. We are all very sad, and it is okay to feel sad." This kind of directness, while difficult to give, gives children something they can work with.
Answer their questions honestly, including the ones that catch you off guard. Children often ask very direct questions — "Will you die too? Will I die?" — and they deserve truthful, reassuring answers. "Yes, everyone dies one day, but I plan to be here for a very long time. Right now we are going to be okay."
How children show grief
Children's grief often looks different from adult grief. A child may seem fine — playing, laughing, seemingly unaffected — and then ask a heartbreaking question out of nowhere. They may become clingy, or conversely withdrawn. They may show regression in younger behaviours: bedwetting, thumb-sucking, separation anxiety. They may act out at school. All of this is normal.
Children also process grief in shorter bursts than adults. They will be deeply sad one minute and want to play the next. This is not denial or lack of feeling — it is simply how children protect themselves. Allow it.
Helping children carry a loved one's memory
Involving children in remembrance can be genuinely healing. Let them choose a photo for a memorial or keep a treasured object. Encourage them to draw pictures or write letters to the person who died. Create family rituals around remembering — lighting a candle on a birthday, visiting a special place.
Showing children that you also grieve — that it is okay and safe to feel sad — is one of the most powerful things you can model. You do not need to manage your grief perfectly in front of them. Letting them see you miss someone, while also showing that you continue to function and to love them, is one of the most honest gifts you can give.
If a child's grief seems stuck — persistent nightmares, refusal to go to school, prolonged withdrawal lasting more than a few weeks — consider reaching out to a child psychologist or grief counsellor experienced in working with young people.